Cigarette Daydreams

I am sore wounded but I am not slain

I will lay me down to bleed awhile 

And then rise up to fight again

Well I’m 27 and thus far I’ve avoided my share of heartbreak so maybe it’s only natural that some would catch up to me.

What happened?

The story here is one of the oldest in the book – unrequited love. Boy meets girl in college, boy asks girl out, boy gets shot down… And then boy tries again 7 years later at college reunions, with a big “romantic” reveal, and again gets shot down.

Realistically it’s the same old story, but I have no choice at this point in my emotional processing but to keep replaying the details over and over – a certain letter written in the lobby of a hotel in the early morning, a sit down outside a hockey rink, etc. But probably none of that matters at a high level.

As you expect, I exposed the deep vulnerability of my private, innermost thoughts. It’s a vulnerability that mingles with hope because a person’s deep innermost thoughts feel like truths and I do hope/believe that Truth with a capital T will carry the day over time… but in this case, it was a subjective truth that was not shared.

But I will choose to continue to believe in Truth and my faith is unshakeable. Part of growing up maybe is realizing that I won’t always have the Gift (which maybe can be thought of as a direct connection to the Truth) when I need it. And therefore to be humble and grateful for the days on which I do and the days on which I don’t.

How do I feel right now?

I feel a deep, immediate emotional pain that is difficult and will be difficult to process. Contrast that to previous experiences where I was able to process and rationalize the initial feeling smoothly but felt pain build up over time as the memory stayed in my brain.

I don’t know how this one will evolve. Maybe differently. It’s certainly spurring me to make some aggressive changes in my life. Hopefully these will help me heal.

Ironically I thought she did the right thing turning me down the first time around in college because things wouldn’t have worked out. This time, I feel like she made a mistake but that doesn’t do a whole lot for me.

I wonder about my technique, my execution and the irony of the commentary around independence. Maybe I should’ve projected more confidence or waited to flirt more… Maybe if I had been patient, it would’ve come my way… but I’m not thinking about it that deeply because of my thoughts around commitment and love (as related below).

Where do you go from here?
I don’t think that much changes as far as how I view the world but I am getting out of Boston and taking the earliest fucking flight out. It is important to me to stay golden – this experience doesn’t signify to me that the world is cold but rather that the world is statistical.

One idea I’ve been thinking a great deal about is the interplay between love and commitment. The truth is that I’ve been a self-centered person my whole life particularly in terms of putting my interests and desires.

I had this self-realization recently while observing how I felt when my cousin created a hassle for me while planning a bday dinner for my sister. I was so focused on the hurt to me that I missed the bigger picture – that my cousin was family and that if you love your family, it means putting them ahead of yourself. That was a breakthrough in my understanding of what love is as well as my understanding of how I behave. It’s about commitment and priorities.

That did relate to how I handled this particular situation. I felt I had to choose to stop hiding and putting other people in front of the person that I was interested in. So I did that. Maybe now in retrospect it seems insane and poorly planned.

One thing to come out of this – I’m going to start dating aggressively ASAP – going out, dating websites, whatever. I’m ready for commitment. And above all, I have to remember from the AI story – NEVER question God.

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