Go Forward Thoughts

Cool. And just on the letter – I’m happy to answer any questions you might have about it – what it means or how I got there.  I’m confident in what was written and I don’t disclaim anything. The feelings have been around for some time and sufficiently reflected on.

For now, I’m probably going to ring fence my references to the note and its concepts (commitment, etc.) because they’re a little scary and we’re not in the same place. It clearly doesn’t matter if I’m at a certain place if you’re not. But you should feel free to ask about anything and hopefully I can do a decent job of explaining.

Certainly if one of the sub theses of the note was that “you drive me crazy, literally” then recent events have probably been good supporting evidence.

Yeah. So let’s just see I guess.

Happy to walk thru every single part of it and deconstruct it like the Zapruder film.

But it would be continue to be a selfish exercise focused on unpacking how I feel and not how you feel. I wonder if it might make sense to ring fence the letter in our conversations for now and maybe revisit it. You can decide when. There might even be other interesting written documents out there.

I would love to stay in touch and reacquaint with you after five years. I’m not a great texter. Long form is more my style but I want to respect the life you’ve built in New York. Don’t feel obligated – do what’s easy for you. I would love to become a better listener. Feel free to call me whenever and talk about anything on your mind and I’ll listen. I promise I’ll make time for you and I won’t judge, condemn or complain. I might make jokes.

Attracted to your intelligence above all. Honestly didn’t start to think that hard until I found out you were smart until graduation and flipped thru program and saw PBK, thesis, etc. That’s the day I found out you were humble too because if I were that smart, I would’ve let people know about it.

NYC – mock it but financial capital of the world. It’s possible that I’m there pretty often. Possible that it’d be really easy and even good to live there. There’s a lot of creative possibilities.

 


 

I kinda am a little hesitant. Not because I don’t know about this. Again – commitment. But because I really don’t know that you have any confidence in this and that’s a problem.

I’m really conscious about getting myself into a Great Gatsby situation.

A mentor of mine said something interesting. I swear to God I’m not trying to socially engineer you – but I was talking to him about this situation.

Asked me why I was interested in you and I basically talked about how smart you were and that I thought there were some similar values and life experiences.

He asked me what types of guys does this girl date, I mentioned some of the types of dudes and he immediately said “is she like a 7 or an 8?” I told him I didn’t really know and wasn’t thinking about you in that way. And he said “Hank. 7s try to date 10s. 9s don’t really care…”

And that’s insanely offensive but.. that is what you want though right? That’s the whole problem here. It’s not like you don’t really know who I am or that I like you or that we don’t get along. It’s literally that you want to date a 10. I totally understand it – my sister’s the same way. But that’s an enormous problem.

(Joke) … Yeah I wanted to call you. feel like i owe you an explanation for what happened and thought it’d be good maybe to talk about that “plan” that you were talking about on what could happen from here. If you feel like you’re good on that, we can drop it..

(Sorry – needed the time off to deal with a few things: where I’m going to live next year, this multifam.. which might work out but required a dumb amount of work, work itself, weddings, getting back into shape now that my shoulder’s finally better for summer champs… and also unpack how I was feeling. I mean not how I feel about you)

Yeah cool so what happene don my end – I’m basically pretty confident I like you but I wanted to feel sane again and understand why it came out the way it did… came out in a weird way..

I was dealing with a lot that I didn’t acknlowedge at the time. It was sort of things that made me feel uncomfortably comfortable (like you’ve settled in nicely but it means you’ve stopped growing) or like old/aging/behind: Schindewolf moving out and getting a girlfriend, Diekema getting married and like having spent 3 years in SF, joining the O Club

So that and some other things maybe felt like pressure. I didn’t think about it that much. Overthinking relationships is bad – I see guys do it all the time and Evan and me. And it’s particularly driven by having too much choice. I think you should just find someone you really like and commit to it… that’s what previous generations did. That’s what my parents did.  That’s what was on my mind as far as commitment went…So I just saw you…  I’d always liked you a lot and I was ready to commit to something and that’s kind of where it shook out. And yeah that all turned into what happened.

Cool so before we go to  where we go from here… hopefully you’ve had time to reflect.. I’ve had time to reflect… I’m wondering if we can just get to one reality. So on my part, the facts are sort of – I feel strongly about you, I totally mishandled the way I communicated it to you… and more interested in a relationship than I have been in the past. And then on your part the facts are… kind of averse to dating right now, not really sure how you feel about me, some non-zero chance that I’m not your type anyway. Is that pretty fair?

And the NY and SF is there but that’s not insurmountable over the long term. NY’s the financial capital – But it’s unrealistic to commit… I think… although I don’t know I think you’re one of a kind. So maybe really two things: one is with you and one is on me. With ou, I would love to stay in touch and reacquaint with you after five years. I’m not a great texter. Long form is more my style but I want to respect the life you’ve built in New York. Don’t feel obligated – do what’s easy for you.

I would love to become a better listener. Feel free to call me whenever and talk about anything on your mind and I’ll listen. I promise I’ll make time for you and I won’t judge, condemn or complain. I might make jokes.

And for now, because of where you are, I feel comfortable saying, without hurting you, that I’m just goign to date the hell out of San Francisco. Geographically and feeling-wise, we’re in no danger of getting together it seems like.

And that’s not to try to make you jealous.. it seems like it’d be good even because you want space and I want something…and  if things went a different way.

Coming back, I’m uncomfortably comfortable. I kinda want to rage against all the feelings of settlign in.  honestly even though I have a job that people would kill for, sort of waking up and realizing that I’m 27 and I haven’t changed the world and have found a great job but haven’t found a calling. And if I stay in my current job, I’m unlikely to change the world. And you’re like okay “well if I’m not going to change the world… then what?” I’m probably going to make a lot of money and the lifestyle I live is great and enjoyable but some anxious part of me doesn’t care. …So really feeling kind of homeless… and wanting to rage against that. I’m not going to do crazy stuff but just get after it.

And that could be good because who knows if I’m your type. So maybe it happens down the road. Maybe it doesn’t.

Okay cool. Yeah I’m not trying to be super clinical and cold about this. It’s actually pretty helpful as far as making decisions.

Dude how’s your apartment coming. So you actually already put in an offer on something? That’s nuts.

So that’s me. What did you take away from it all now that there’s been some time to reflect? Just absolute insanity and you’re bewildered.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s